Have you ever been adjudicated mentally defective? If the answer is no, you can open a federally-insured account at the North Country Bank and Trust — and get a free rifle.

Bowling for Columbine, which I’ve finally watched, is a stunning exhibition of America’s fascination with guns. The film is rather preachy in spots, but personally, it put a lot of things into perspective.

In an early scene we meet James Nichols (brother of Oklahoma bomber Terry Nichols) as he babbles in a frenzied mixture of rage and glee. “If the people find out how they’ve been ripped off and enslaved in this country by the government … They will revolt with anger. Merciless anger. There will be blood running in the streets.” He’s clearly given this a lot of thought.

A camera moves through the empty halls of Columbine High School. Frantic 911 calls from people inside the building play as the video cuts to surveillance tapes; shots being fired, pipe bombs being tossed, kids scattering everywhere. A teacher shrieks orders at children to hide under tables while bullets pop in the background. CNN and MSNBC lobby to get someone to speak live on the air. A father demands to know what’s happening. The library ignites in balloons of fire.

A student describes his disappointment with being rated a lowly second-place on a suspect list for a subsequent bomb threat: “I made about a good 5-gallon drum of homemade napalm … Because I didn’t make it to number one, I don’t know it’s kind of silly, but you know, I guess it’d kind of been like an ego thing knowing I was number one at something in Oscoda, even if it was the bomb threat list.”

To explain the tragedy, the conversative right-wing took aim (ha!) using the old-standard array of excuses — sex, drugs, and rock music. They had evidently decided that Marilyn Manson encompassed all of these vices and was therefore responsible for the tragedy. In my opinion, he delivers the most sensible theory in the film: “You’re watching the news, you’re being pumped full of fear. There’s floods, there’s AIDS, there’s murder. Cut to commercial. Buy the Acura, buy the Colgate. If you have bad breath, they’re not going to talk to you. If you got pimples the girl’s not going to fuck you. It’s a campaign of fear and consumption. That’s what I think that it’s all based on. Keep everyone afraid and they’ll consume.”

Obviously, a major theme running through the movie is that of fear. Being the nerd that I am, I began to equate this with the ‘FUD’ (fear, uncertainty, doubt) factor that is probably familiar to those from the computing world. FUD is a very strong manipulation tactic used by companies like Microsoft to put into question the suitability and safety of a competing product (think Linux and open-source software). You may also be reminded of another great modern practitioner of this technique — The Bush administration.

Moore paints a very rosy picture of Canada as compared with the US, and as a very proud Canadian, I couldn’t help but be thankful for the recognition. We are, after all, suffering from a nation-wide inferiority complex. The reality is that the same ratings-hungry media that so greatly influences the US is also widespread here — and increasingly becoming a template. Suddenly, Canadian-content regulations make a lot of sense. Our cultures are different, and I couldn’t be happier.

According to filmmaker Michael Moore, Canada has (a surprising) 7 million guns. More guns does not mean a safer society. Gun-related deaths per year, by country: Germany 381, France 255, Canada 165, United Kingdom 68, Australia 65, Japan 39. The US — 11,127. Let’s be generous and say that the US has a population of 300 million and Canada has 30 million. Do the math.

I’m glad I live here. I don’t believe CNN or George W. Bush represent Americans on the whole. If you don’t agree with me, fine, but be rational about it… Don’t pull out a gun or anything.